abillionbeautifulbutterflies

While I lay there motionless, a billion beautiful butterflies took off from my field, their two billion pairs of gentle wings cracked a windstorm into my painstakingly manicured landscape, and with them they steadily carried away the shattering pieces of my perfectly planned life.

Category: Brooklyn

The Keys

She needed to walk her dog. He told her to look for the keys to the apartment building on the top shelf, to the left of the TV. She found them. As she walked across the room he nonchalantly told her, “and you can keep that set.” Excuse me? She thought. What the hell did he just say. “What?” She mutters out. “You can keep those, they can be your set.” She freezes. “Ah- well” She’s frozen. Thoughts and images race through her head like a psychedelic version of the Coney Island tea cups ride. “Ah- I don’t need a set, um, I guess I could use them, I mean ah….(one second, two seconds, three seconds) I really like living by myself”….realizing the incongruence of this statement, “I don’t know why this is such a big deal for me.” She looks up at him. He’s laying in bed, the covers pulled up almost covering his chin. His eyes are wider than she’s ever seen them and he looks so innocent. She can see in the look on his face that she must be freaking out. She starts the back talk. “I’ve never been one to get weird about this kinda stuff. I mean, I’m just really enjoying my independence. You have to understand I’ve lived with a partner most of my adult life, let me see”…she thinks back for accuracy. “Yup- I started dating Jeff…he was my roommate…and then when I moved into my apartment- he came along- and come to think of it, before that- the first place I moved into when I was 18- was with a boyfriend and after Jeff I got married. Jeff did move out at some point, but he was over all the time anyway so he may as well have lived there. Yup- over the last 15 years I’ve only lived without a partner in the last 2.5.” He just silently lays there and watches her. “I mean, I know you’re not asking me to move in. I don’t know what I’m freaking out about.” “You can just use those keys,” he offers. “Ok. Ok. Yeah. I’ve just never been one to get all clammed up about this stuff.” And she walks out the bedroom, out the apartment,¬†down the hall, into the elevator- down six flights, out the door, and into the cold, snow filled city of nearly a billion souls, to be alone. She crunches the snow. He is so sweet. All this time she has prided herself on the fact that the divorce only made her character stronger and then there are moments like those that make her think…maybe amidst that strength is a bit of ruin.

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A Timeless Traveled

As a 33 year old, returning to the building I grew up in and left 21 years ago; looking out the window of the apartment I grew up in, at a view I have seen since the first time I could manage to look over, on tip toe, the ledge of the window, of a city with seemingly permanent brick, makes my life feel imagined. Like I’m still a child- looking out a window, thinking about what could be, what might happen, drumming up possibilities- except that these images were real, they happened, and now I’m here- not imagining, but reminiscing, from the same spot, with the same view- of a child with a long life ahead of them, and now as an adult- with yet still more life ahead of me. I feel like a time traveler. I feel wonderful. I step up, onto tip toe, to peer over an invisible sill- wondering what view might lay beyond it’s edge.

Winter wind in the city

In a place of concrete and brick, I turn my face into the icy wind, great it head on, no cowardess, no shyness. That is where I find nature- in the sharp brush of cold reddening my face, in the numbing pain in my ears, in the tears in my eyes. I will not turn away from you, my bitter sweet love. Your cold is a cold that keeps my heart beating in a city with a billion souls chasing time. I will stand while you sting me with life, winter wind, you warm me.