Scotch without an Urgency

by abillionbeautifulbutterflies

August 30, 2013 at 4:10am

Once I lived in the most amazing contemporary love story. It was affectively the best time of my life. Filled, literally, with mud puddles, wild horses, random logging roads leading to ponds mazed with mossy logs and filled with newts, and 16 children running under foot preaching the gospel of justice. I poured all of myself into that love story…it was the time of my life. And so when you woke up just under a year ago today and left, I became an empty shocked shell. All of my innards vulnerably hung out to dry in a slow follow of our fading future life together, trailing behind it memories I thought we’d share with our soon to be adopted children. To be clear, I have no regrets. And I thank you for playing the harmony to my orchestrated emptying. I emptied all of myself into us and was then able to look deep into my emptiness, to see what was in there, to examine how it was that I could allow myself to become so. I’m proud of how deeply I loved you…and this last year has taught me how to love myself as fiercely as I loved you. Bit by bit and with delicate care, I earned back the pieces of me. Filled myself back up.

I’ve become much cooler during this past year. At the age of 31 I’ve picked up smoking, cleverly rolling my own cigarettes in the sexiest Marlene Dietrich flare, even though I always gave you the evil eye for being a smoker, of course I won’t make it a habit, after all, it’s said that tobacco is a grieving drug, I’m thinking I’ll give it up round November. As of late, I’ve converted to drinking Scotch- because at my Tai Chi teacher’s wedding his elder neighbor advised me to “be single, live it up free, never owe anyone anything, especially when waking up with a slight regret for spending a drunken evening- you know- just pick up your clothes and go- you don’t owe anyone anything, and Scotch never gives you a hangover.” He was divorced and then single for 20 years before his second marriage. Funny, another friend of said Tai Chi teacher also informed me of her 20 years of being single. Is this a message? This is the longest time in my adult life that I’ve been single. Dating, and fucking like the woman in her 30s in the 21st century that I am- but single nonetheless.

I made an album of the preschool for my senior synthesis presentation today. And I started to cry of a life gone by, and then I remembered that sorrow is connected to joy…and I decided to cry for being blessed with our amazing love story and I forgave you and me some more. Enough so, that I believe myself to have room to love again…without an urgency.

Cheers to single malt liqueur.

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